6am on a friday, doesn't get much worse than this

its 6:10, rainning, humid, and i'm still looking for the ipod
its 6:15, i'm wet, my joints are burning
its 6:20, i'm still crying over the events of last night, balling like a baby
its 6:25, i'm walking in the rain, through myself and back again
its the end of a week of hell, just one more test to take today, i have nothing left to give.

1.5 miles, only half of it running, I feel like death.
beer sounds like heaven right now

The Things I Tell Myself

My feet tingled, maybe I tied my shoes too tight. My calves burned, maybe I was pushing to hard. My lungs felt like needles, maybe I did need an inhaler. I needed a study break so I went out for my second run of the day. I had been memorizing theorems for the past 5 hours. How does one find the motivation to live like this, when a break equals a 8- minutes - a – mile – for – 4 – miles jog. In fact as I was running I kept asking why I do this to myself.
I try to tell myself the things I try to tell myself to make myself forget myself, “It feels good when I’m done, I’m happier, it’s a time to clear my mind, it’s a time to fill my mind.”
But I know it’s not true, at least only partly.
Status, that’s why I do anything. Why major in math, why study physics, why pursue grad school, why run, why dress the way I do, why play the guitar, why eat the foods I do, why wash my stupid car?
Because of what people will say when they hear I ran another marathon, when they hear I’m graduating with honors…
There must be something better to live for.

Today’s run with Amy:
Passed a church sign: “Be like God today, be kind.” I think God needs to reach in his bride’s purse and take his balls back!

2.5 miles, Fulton hill, Lake dr. hill, slightly too short but topped off with 2 sprints and some lunges.

Friendly mornings

My alarm went off at 5:50am this morning.
Yesterday I got in bed at 5:42am, i was up by 8am for work.

I was running up Cherry Hill when i realized there are to many options. I need five week days to learn and enjoy academia, then i need a weekend to work, a weekend to rest, a weekend to get stuff done around the house, and a weekend to be with friends.

Why do human beings feel that they need to do it all? If life is finite we have a lot to fin in in just a few short years. But i've not believed in a finite life for the past 21 years and i've not even believed in a finite time on earth for the past 2 years. So if heaven is really a place on earth, why do i feel like i have to try everything in order to achieve success?

3.5 miles, big ass hill, 1 walk break, decent run.

4pm and the sun is setting

I'm squinting against the downtown sun, its cold like normal but today i'm not doing this because i want to, today this is work.

"I miss him" (me to amy)
"don't think about it, lets learn some german" (amy is teaching me german while we run)
'but kelly and zach are back together and i wonder if maybe it could work, kelly is happy, why can't i be?"
you are happy, i tell myself. I think aloud,
"maybe succes is more important than love."

the remainder of our run is silent



3miles today, easy pace, no stops, good run

life lessons from the side walk

I run everyday, everday i run i learn. everthing i learn builds who i am. i am a runner.

this is where i will be documenting my 6am life lessons.